It started like any other Thursday practice at Double D Ranch. Players filed in and joined practice by 6:30. Warmups were concluded, skills were conducted, and run-throughs were crafted. Then, it came to the traditional Thursday Gathering of Meats. With Chef/Prospective 2028 undetermined political position nominee behind the grill, confidences were high heading into Old Gaelic’s first match of the 2025 season. But that’s when the turmoil had just begun.

“Violent expulsions have subsided and I am getting fluid in,” explained a shaken and pale Alex Schaefer on a gloomy Friday evening. “But I don’t think I should play.”

“Hey, I think I got a little food poisoning from last night,” texted an apprehensive rookie Kellan Walker before the game. “I might be a little late.”

“Mike’s out. He’s sick from Thursday,” Forwards Captain Anthony DeFreitas updated about his brother and eight-man.

“I was convinced it was norovirus,” said President Alex Diegel. “But then Paul stayed at my house after the game. And that’s when I knew.”

“With every rushed waddle to the toilet, I grew more and more concerned. However, in a real twist of fate, my septic system made it through the evening. Ironically Dave installed the basement toilet, which may have saved Paul a real embarrassing night. But fuck him. I told him he was fucking up the chicken. And he ran the goalposts over too.”

It is yet unknown what kind of damage this could do to his blossoming political career.

This is a developing story.