Love is Love: Old Gaelic Kicks off Pride Month with Dave and Broc’s Big Gay Wedding

CHAMBERSBURG, PA — In a stunning display of tolerance from a Central PA-based rugby team, Old Gaelic Rugby filled the ceremony for the nuptials of Broc Shives and David “YoSon” Young. It was a beautiful June day to perfectly celebrate their love during Pride Month.

Though supportive, many in the crowd were surprised by the outing coming from within a team of hypermasculine men, and also backs.

“When my client came to me to ask to pre-emptively sue in case anyone of a same sex gender kissed in front of him in his neighborhood, I was confused,” stated Young’s attorney Joshua Aybar. “But not as confused as he seemed to be. I’m just glad he figured it out and found happiness.”

The feeling of surprise was not shared by all.

“I always knew Broc was queer,” said local Gaelic by way of Turtleheads, Alex Bowie.

Club President Alex Diegel reflected on the club’s history of tolerance and openness.

“When I got my hands on the original bylaws, and read #2, that ‘In the case of a self-confessed homo, Rule 1 (the right to vote in Officers’ elections), doesn’t count, but they can be on the field crew or social committee,’ I knew I’d landed with the right club. What surprising foresight to allow gays to clean up our trash and plan our parties. I’m proud to be Gae.”

We wish the handsome couple happiness and joy in their future together.

Super Ayroyo Brothers Set to Lead Old Gaelic into the Future

Citing the recent success of the newest “Mario Galaxy” movie, Old Gaelic has decided to turn to the future with a full rebrand.

“Look, it’s the hottest movie franchise out there right now,” explained Club President Alex Diegel. “It’s grossed over a billion dollars worldwide. I’ve never been the best at math, but that settles in at one thousand millions. If we can scape up just one of those millions, this is a complete success.”

With a need to follow the look of its gritty young hooker Josh Aybar, and dynamic young wing, Gabe Arroyo, Old Gaelic will undergo a complete rebrand. This summer, the team will compete in denim overalls and red or green tops for home and away kits, and all players are now required to grow dark, luxurious, plumber-grade mustaches. A petition to World Rugby is underway to allow them to play in matching ballcaps.

Brian Hart’s “School for Old Ruggers Who Want to Play Rugby Good and Learn to Do Other Things Good, Too” Open for Atlantic Cup Enrollment

MECHANICSBURG, PA — Citing an urgent need for aging ruggers to sharpen their rugby skills, OGREs Captain Brian Hart has opened up his academy for “Old Ruggers Who Want to Play Rugby Good and Learn to Do Other things Good, Too.” This training is essential for regaining the Atlantic World Cup title that has eluded the team for an unprecedented two years.

“We were upset in the Finals last year,” Hart explained. “And it was pretty clear that, in spite of our advanced ages, we were missing some basic foundational and rugby IQ standards that had been our hallmark in years past.”

The 35 and over rugby tournament will be played at the Hudson Fields in Lewes, De. on August 15.

Aging ruggers are encouraged to come to 7s trainings and shit on local 25-year-olds on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, 6:30-8:30 to get their legs under them. An age-appropriate training format will be announced at a future date.

Stay tuned for more details.

West Virginia Man Deserves Award for Not Beating the Shit out of Anyone at Local Walmart

HEDGESVILLE, WV—Local resident Paul A. Holmes, 39, was widely praised Tuesday after successfully completing an entire Walmart shopping trip without physically assaulting a single customer, employee, or unattended self-checkout machine.

Witnesses reported that Holmes maintained remarkable composure despite encountering a shopping cart abandoned sideways in a main aisle, a family of six blocking the frozen foods section, a 40-minute wait in a six-person checkout line, and a man loudly conducting a FaceTime call on speakerphone near the pharmacy.

“I saw him clench his jaw a couple times,” said shopper Denise Fowler. “But then he just kept walking. That’s the kind of restraint you don’t see anymore. Not in Beckley. Not in this Walmart.”

According to sources, Holmes’ also endured a 17-minute behind a single customer attempting to pay for his groceries with a coffee can full of loose change. Despite the ordeal, he reportedly limited his response to a deep sigh and a thousand-yard stare.

In recognition of his achievement, local officials announced plans to present Holmes with the city’s highest civilian honor, tentatively titled the Order of Basic Self-Control.

At press time, Holmes was being considered for a second award after leaving the Walmart parking lot and returning home without engaging in a road-rage incident.

Help Hunter and Schleg Afford Black Rugby Shorts

WEST SHORE, PA — Young Old Gaelic ruggers Alex Schlager and Hunter Hertzog are turning to the community to support them in these trying times. Despite many valiant efforts, the pair of West Shore alumni have yet show to a single match wearing the correct colored shorts. Below is the copy from their gofundme:

We’re going through really tough times and only have white shorts to wear. We may even be doing this to draw attention to our sadness, but still, no one’s given. We hate how exposed we feel, and the obvious desperation we exude to get noticed. Help us get black rugby shorts so we can look good and stand out during games for the right reasons. Please. Anything helps.

Thank you to all who have already given so generously:

Classifieds:

Wanted: Bike Helmet for tree-cutting safety. Call Diegel
Wanted: “My damned medal for my award. Where is it?” Call Paul.
Wanted: A new clipboard. Call Sykes. (Thanks, Paul).

CHAMBERSBURG, PA — In a stunning display of tolerance from a Central PA-based rugby team, Old Gaelic Rugby filled the ceremony for the nuptials of Broc Shives and David “YoSon” Young. It was a beautiful June day to perfectly celebrate their love during Pride Month.

Though supportive, many in the crowd were surprised by the outing coming from within a team of hypermasculine men, and also backs.

“When my client came to me to ask to pre-emptively sue in case anyone of a same sex gender kissed in front of him in his neighborhood, I grew suspicious,” stated Young’s attorney Joshua Aybar. “But I’m just glad he found happiness.”

The feeling of surprise was not shared by all.

“I always knew Broc was queer,” said local Gaelic by way of Turtleheads, Alex Bowie.

Club President Alex Diegel reflected on the club’s history of tolerance and openness.

“When I got my hands on the original bylaws, and read #2, that ‘In the case of a self-confessed homo, Rule 1 (the right to vote in Officers’ elections), doesn’t count, but they can be on the field crew or social committee,’ I knew I’d landed with the right club. What surprising foresight to allow gays to clean up our trash and plan our parties. I’m proud to be Gae.”

We wish the handsome couple happiness and joy in their future together.

Citing the recent success of the newest “Mario Galaxy” movie, Old Gaelic has decided to turn to the future with a full rebrand.

“Look, it’s the hottest movie franchise out there right now,” explained Club President Alex Diegel. “It’s grossed over a billion dollars worldwide. I’ve never been the best at math, but that settles in at one thousand millions. If we can scape up just one of those millions, this is a complete success.”

With a need to follow the look of its gritty young hooker Josh Aybar, and dynamic young wing, Gabe Arroyo, Old Gaelic will undergo a complete rebrand. This summer, the team will compete in denim overalls and red or green tops for home and away kits, and all players are now required to grow dark, luxurious, plumber-grade mustaches. A petition to World Rugby is underway to allow them to play in matching ballcaps.

HEDGESVILLE, WV—Local resident Paul A. Holmes, 39, was widely praised Tuesday after successfully completing an entire Walmart shopping trip without physically assaulting a single customer, employee, or unattended self-checkout machine.

Witnesses reported that Holmes maintained remarkable composure despite encountering a shopping cart abandoned sideways in a main aisle, a family of six blocking the frozen foods section, a 40-minute wait in a six-person checkout line, and a man loudly conducting a FaceTime call on speakerphone near the pharmacy.

“I saw him clench his jaw a couple times,” said shopper Denise Fowler. “But then he just kept walking. That’s the kind of restraint you don’t see anymore. Not in Beckley. Not in this Walmart.”

According to sources, Holmes’ also endured a 17-minute behind a single customer attempting to pay for his groceries with a coffee can full of loose change. Despite the ordeal, he reportedly limited his response to a deep sigh and a thousand-yard stare.

In recognition of his achievement, local officials announced plans to present Holmes with the city’s highest civilian honor, tentatively titled the Order of Basic Self-Control.

At press time, Holmes was being considered for a second award after leaving the Walmart parking lot and returning home without engaging in a road-rage incident.

Back to defend its 2024 crown after a short-handed team packed up after pool play a year ago, Old Gaelic won the year’s first tournament in dominant fashion.

A stacked squad full of Central Penn Premier 7s veterans and Cherry Hill’s Favorite Son, Coach Paulie Holmes, took care of business with 24 total tries to just four given up, eventually winning the Cup over Rowan University.

The win kicked off a busy and hungry offseason as the club hopes to host the EPRU Championship trophy for the second time in three years. See the training and match schedule below:

2/11- Indoor practice 8-9pm

2/12 – Gettysburg Ghost Tour – Follow along with Cappy as he takes you to his favorite haunts.

2/14 – 6 Nations Watch Party at TBD

2/21- Mandatory Indoor practice at Keystone Field House Carlisle 3-4 (Big Field)

2/26 – First official practice at the Ranch

2/27 – Townie Garage Crawl 7-8pm

2/28- Mandatory Indoor practice 12-1 at Keystone Fieldhouse Carlisle (Big Field)

3/2 – And beyond we will be back to Tues/Thurs practices at the Ranch

3/7 – OG at Gorge D3

3/14 – OG at PERC D1

3/21 – OG at NB (EPRU Semifinals).

3/28 – EPRU Finals at highest remaining seed

4/11 – Friendly: Northeast Philly irish @ Old Gaelic

4/18 – Friendly and Spike Eggleston Memorial Day: Frederick RFC @ Old Gaelic

4/25 – OGREs @ Lancaster Old Boys

5/2-5/3 – ASR hosted by Empire at Niagara University

5/16 – Nationals weekend, Chicago, Ill.

Fueled by their joint passion for criticizing others, grizzled forwards Paul Holmes and Alexander Diegel have taken their services to the big leagues, offering critical criticisms to teams and players for a fee.

“The kind of flaws we point out can’t just be offered by anyone,” detailed Holmes. “We get into really personal stuff. Conduct background checks, scan social media for past embarrassments, that kind of stuff.”

“Facebook’s where the real gold is,” added Diegel. “If you had a shitty breakup in 2014, we’ll find it. And reference it in the video in some sort of hurtful analogy to your play.”

With a more than fair fee structure, the Destructive Duo is charging clubs $100 for a 5-10 minute video, $200 for a 15 minute video, and charges a $25 bonus if someone cries ($30 if it’s a wing).

See samples of Holmes and DIegs’ critical criticisms here:

(We hope you find these heartfelt analyses valuable. Also, thank God Hart unretired to play 80 minutes of fullback in the playoffs).

Following its first two-match losing streak in (insert how many years?), Old Gaelic got off the mat to defeat Philly-Whitemarsh, 46-10, and start the 50th Anniversary Celebration right.

Outside center Tyler Johnson got the scoring started a few minutes in with a penalty kick, on his way to a Man of the Match performance. Whitemarsh came back with a strike through the OG defense for its first and only try of the day. After that, fullback Chris Armbrust broke the line off a feed from #10 Kory Harris, and a quick-tap try from prop Broc Shives shortly after, put the home team up, 17-7, and in control of the match.

Philly tightened the match with a PK 17-10, but that would be its last score of the day. Johnson put two tries in before half, split another conversion with Harris, and it was all Gold at the break, 29-10.

Johnson started the scoring as he did the first half, with another PK, then it was eight-man JT Hammond’s turn for a quick tap try off a Whitemarsh penalty. Wing Alexander Schaefer notched the game’s last try to mark the final margin, 46-10.

From there, a mighty contingent of Gaelics headed over to the Mechanicsburg Club banquet room for four hours of fun and celebration.

Thank you to everyone who contributed to such a special Anniversary Weekend, and made it another epic Fall of OG Rugby. Here’s to 50 more years!

MOTM: Johnson

Viking: Lock Tommy Cloak, who finished another 80-minute shift and combined with Judge Rieck to form a formidable duo and dominant day in the lineouts.

Missed the party? You can view our special program videos here:

History of Old Gaelic

2010 and 2024 Championship Mashup videos

The once-promising career trajectory of local political candidate (position, office, affiliation, still unknown) came crashing down Monday afternoon when some disturbing behavior was leaked to the press.

David “YoSon” Young, the upstart who came roaring out of the gates with his, “If there’s no crust, it’s a bust” slogan, was rocked when a new phrase became attached to his name. “I wash my hands of it.”

The flippant response was in reply to a local nonprofit organization’s request for Young to come remove an old, non-functioning podium after he had illegally dumped it in the Old Gaelic garage.

When reminded this property was for the storing of rugby equipment, and politely asked to come remove the podium to ensure no illegal dumping charges would be pressed, the 35-year-old Carlisle native rudely replied, “I wash my hands of it.”

“You know, we live in a society, and in a society, there are rules,” remarked Old Gaelic President and chief political rival Alex Diegel. “Taking advantage of small, nonprofit organizations is an abhorrent act we cannot tolerate. If you want to illegally dump your trash, do it in the dumpsters behind Giant, like a normal person.

This is a developing story…