As Old Gaelic reached the midpoint of its last practice ahead of its first preseason game, acting coach Alex Diegel wasn’t finished. Having just gotten into the finer details of the team’s defensive philosophies, there was still a slate of drills left to finish the night’s work. That’s when lightning struck overhead. Again. And again.
“Ok. First we set the post, then we fold around to our A-B-C positions,” Diegel rambled on amongst the strikes. “Then, against a full backline, we add our 1-2-3 defenders to mark the threats. It’s all about the picture the other team shows us. And, uh… we’ll keep an eye on it,” he said with a nonchalant glance at the strikes of lightning that threatened overhead.
Fortunately, cooler heads and a series of nervous glances caused the whistle to be blown and chalk talk to be continued in the shed. However, when the team went 5/10 on lineouts in the ensuing match, a critical session that was cut short in the Thursday training, Diegel could be heard grumbling on the sideline, “I knew we should have thrown them up in the middle of the damned lightning.”
Led by first-time organizer Rich Recordon, the Old Gaelic Rugby gold Tournament is back! Old Gaelic’s primary fundraiser — will take place on Saturday, October 3, 2026, at Rich Valley Golf Course. We have room for 144 players on a first-come-first-taken basis.
When reached for comment, Recordon stated, “Diegel’s reign of incompetence is over. He doesn’t even know how golf works and still thinks high scores win games. I’ve told him again and again that the scoring doesn’t work like rugby, but his eyes just glaze over and he nods and smiles every time someone brings up math or numbers.”
The tournament is a four-man scramble and begins with a shotgun start at 8 a.m. Please see the documents below for more information on the tournament and for sponsorship availability.
Join now! With plenty of prizes, you just might get Rich! Click here to submit your foursomes.
In spite of a number of ball-related delays, Old Gaelic was able to run away with a preseason victory, 52-26 over the Potomac Exiles. The passing was crisp, the play fast and the Gold capitalized with eight tries on the day.
Center Max Dell’Anno got the scoring started first with a pick and go after an attempted Potomac clearance kick was returned by wing Kellan Walker. Shortly after, Dell’Anno’s running mate at center London Johnson jammed down hard, intercepted a Potomac pass and outraced the defense for the team’s second score.
Gaelic was tested early with a blocked kick, returned for a try to tighten the scoreline. But it was all Gaelic after that. Not even the particular Sir’s issue with the size of Gaelic’s balls (PERC found them to be a perfect size) could derail the Gaelic, as the continued to pour it on after a number of delays.
Photo credit: ChatGPT. This was made with AI. But also did very much happen.
Eight man Alex Schlager teamed with srcum half Lucas Schneider and wing Alex Schaefer to execute perfectly down the sideline, then Johnson found space again before passing inside to fullback Chris Armbrust on his way to 13 total points with four conversions on the day to go with the try.
Next, veteran flanker Paul Holmes had a break, found Dell’Anno, who then put away Schlager, who also scored shortly after on the wide channel near the goal line. Schneider also got in on the act with a cheeky pick, before Kory Harris hit a drop goal penalty for a 44-19 lead. Potomac would score after that, then another series of penalties allowed the cagey vet Alex Diegel to find paydirt to close the game with the final score, 52-26.
Old Gaelic Survives DeflateGate Controversy, Defeats PERC 52-26
Photo Credit Kathy Hartzell
In spite of a number of ball-related delays, Old Gaelic was able to run away with a preseason victory, 52-26 over the Potomac Exiles. The passing was crisp, the play fast and the Gold capitalized with eight tries on the day.
Center Max Dell’Anno got the scoring started first with a pick and go after an attempted Potomac clearance kick was returned by wing Kellan Walker. Shortly after, Dell’Anno’s running mate at center London Johnson jammed down hard, intercepted a Potomac pass and outraced the defense for the team’s second score.
Gaelic was tested early with a blocked kick, returned for a try to tighten the scoreline. But it was all Gaelic after that. Not even the particular Sir’s issue with the size of Gaelic’s balls (PERC found them to be a perfect size) could derail the Gaelic, as the continued to pour it on after a number of delays.
Photo credit: ChatGPT. This was made with AI. But also did very much happen.
Eight man Alex Schlager teamed with srcum half Lucas Schneider and wing Alex Schaefer to execute perfectly down the sideline, then Johnson found space again before passing inside to fullback Chris Armbrust on his way to 13 total points with four conversions on the day to go with the try.
Next, veteran flanker Paul Holmes had a break, found Dell’Anno, who then put away Schlager, who also scored shortly after on the wide channel near the goal line. Schneider also got in on the act with a cheeky pick, before Kory Harris hit a drop goal penalty for a 44-19 lead. Potomac would score after that, then another series of penalties allowed the cagey vet Alex Diegel to find paydirt to close the game with the final score, 52-26.
Man of the Match: London Johnson
Viking: Alex Schlager
Have a Rich Time at the Old Gaelic Golf Tournament
Led by first-time organizer Rich Recordon, the Old Gaelic Rugby gold Tournament is back! Old Gaelic’s primary fundraiser — will take place on Saturday, October 3, 2026, at Rich Valley Golf Course. We have room for 144 players on a first-come-first-taken basis.
When reached for comment, Recordon stated, “Diegel’s reign of incompetence is over. He doesn’t even know how golf works and still thinks high scores win games. I’ve told him again and again that the scoring doesn’t work like rugby, but his eyes just glaze over and he nods and smiles every time someone brings up math or numbers.”
The tournament is a four-man scramble and begins with a shotgun start at 8 a.m. Please see the documents below for more information on the tournament and for sponsorship availability.
Join now! With plenty of prizes, you just might get Rich! Click here to submit your foursomes.
For any questions regarding the tournament, ask anyone but Diegel.
Overzealous Volunteer Rugby Coaches Mumbles He Will “Keep an Eye on It” as Lightning Storm Threatens Practice
As Old Gaelic reached the midpoint of its last practice ahead of its first preseason game, acting coach Alex Diegel wasn’t finished. Having just gotten into the finer details of the team’s defensive philosophies, there was still a slate of drills left to finish the night’s work. That’s when lightning struck overhead. Again. And again.
“Ok. First we set the post, then we fold around to our A-B-C positions,” Diegel rambled on amongst the strikes. “Then, against a full backline, we add our 1-2-3 defenders to mark the threats. It’s all about the picture the other team shows us. And, uh… we’ll keep an eye on it,” he said with a nonchalant glance at the strikes of lightning that threatened overhead.
Fortunately, cooler heads and a series of nervous glances caused the whistle to be blown and chalk talk to be continued in the shed. However, when the team went 5/10 on lineouts in the ensuing match, a critical session that was cut short in the Thursday training, Diegel could be heard grumbling on the sideline, “I knew we should have thrown them up in the middle of the damned lightning.”
Classifieds
Wanted: Sideline ball bump. Call Max Wanted: More dudes for golf. Call Rich. Wanted: Pristine lineout sets. Call Diegel
In shocking a shocking turn of events, footage from the practice field on 114 was recovered and proved, beyond a reasonable doubt, who the perpetrator of the 2021 goalpost destruction was.
“I was sitting at the Club, having a drink with Swankie, the old field owner” explained team Groundsman Dan “The Ambassador” Reisman. “He looked at me, and said, Danny, I was looking at some of the old trail and deer camera footage I had out there. And you aren’t going to believe this.”
A well-known white Corolla was spotted doing doughnuts, when the driver Davy “Gravy” Young was spotted behind the wheel. As he lost control, the vehicle spun out into the goalposts, where Young was quick to flee before the rest of the team Hoospters arrived for the evening’s activities.
“I grew suspicious when I asked Dave about it, and he proceeded to describe in details, a series of events that appeared to be the exact act that destroyed the posts,” said longtime coach Dan Roth. “He said it was just a hypothetical. But it seemed far fetched at the time.”
“I just have one word to describe this footage: Vindication,” explained club President Alex Diegel. “I always knew it was Dave.”
When reached for comment, Young provided a brief statement: “Yo, fuck you DIegel.”
Old Gaelic is working with its team of legal representatives to ensure this act of domestic terror receives its proper justice.
While conducting offseason film review, Kenny “Eyes” Levick heard a disturbing snap just off camera near the sideline. Fearing one of his players had cracked a bone or torn a ligament, Levick used his veteran guile to turn the Veo settings to interactive mode and investigate. What he uncovered was a shocking revelation.
“I was wondering where the money went for the summer. Like, ‘What are we spending all of our money on?’ Apparently, all this time it was clipboards.”
For every turnover. Snap. Every instance of attacking the middle. Snap. Every controversial call from a ref. Snap. On and on it went throughout the season.
The perpetrator? None other than Coache Sykes’ (seemingly) loyal assistant, Paul Holmes.
When reached for comment, Holmes was without remorse. On the contrary, Holmes found it to be a necessary act of therapeutic remediation.
“Well, I couldn’t play anymore and hit someone on the field,” the veteran explained. “So anytime the boys pissed me off, something had to go.”
In a disturbing leak to the media, local police officer Christopher Armbrust’s visit to Epstein Island has been confirmed. After years of denial, the photo evidence has verified and deemed irrefutable by investigators. Still, Armbrust tried to deny the significance of the photo.
“I was there for lunch. It was a private event for Zaddy (Armbrust’s prefered moniker for President Donald Trump). We were just there fundraising for his PAC. Nothing more.”
When pressed further for details of the encounter, Armbrust remarked: “The halibut was unbelievable. Waitresses seemed young, though,” he added, with a hundred yard stare past reporters.
Given the current state of affairs in the country, local pundits and political experts seem to believe this can only help his cause if he was to switch into politics. Somehow.
It’s a scary world in 2026. Cameras are everywhere. No act of buffoonery is safe. Gone are the days of Millennial basement parties, when you were free to black out surrounded by mold at your leisure without fear of evidential backlash. (The herpes was for life though). You think your safe for years, then BOOM there you are, caught, red handed.
The Nose News Network has recently been sent a number of damning pieces of such evidence. Even the finest of nonprofit organizations like Old Gaelic Rugby, with decades of goodwill in the community, can see some of its members taken down by their weakest moments.
Recently Uncovered Surveillance Footage Reveals Truth Behind Broken Goalposts
In shocking a shocking turn of events, footage from the practice field on 114 was recovered and proved, beyond a reasonable doubt, who the perpetrator of the 2021 goalpost destruction was.
“I was sitting at the Club, having a drink with Swankie, the old field owner” explained team Groundsman Dan “The Ambassador” Reisman. “He looked at me, and said, Danny, I was looking at some of the old trail and deer camera footage I had out there. And you aren’t going to believe this.”
A well-known white Corolla was spotted doing doughnuts, when the driver Davy “Gravy” Young was spotted behind the wheel. As he lost control, the vehicle spun out into the goalposts, where Young was quick to flee before the rest of the team Hoospters arrived for the evening’s activities.
“I grew suspicious when I asked Dave about it, and he proceeded to describe in details, a series of events that appeared to be the exact act that destroyed the posts,” said longtime coach Dan Roth. “He said it was just a hypothetical. But it seemed far fetched at the time.”
“I just have one word to describe this footage: Vindication,” explained club President Alex Diegel. “I always knew it was Dave.”
When reached for comment, Young provided a brief statement: “Yo, fuck you DIegel.”
Old Gaelic is working with its team of legal representatives to ensure this act of domestic terror receives its proper justice.
View the disturbing footage:
7s Video Analysis Reveals Team has Clipboard Assassin in its Midst
While conducting offseason film review, Kenny “Eyes” Levick heard a disturbing snap just off camera near the sideline. Fearing one of his players had cracked a bone or torn a ligament, Levick used his veteran guile to turn the Veo settings to interactive mode and investigate. What he uncovered was a shocking revelation.
“I was wondering where the money went for the summer. Like, ‘What are we spending all of our money on?’ Apparently, all this time it was clipboards.”
For every turnover. Snap. Every instance of attacking the middle. Snap. Every call from Referee Max Diglio. Snap. On and on it went throughout the season.
The perpetrator? None other than Coache Sykes’ (seemingly) loyal assistant, Paul Holmes.
When reached for comment, Holmes was without remorse. On the contrary, Holmes found it to be a necessary act of therapeutic remediation.
“Well, I couldn’t play anymore and hit someone on the field,” the veteran explained. “So anytime the boys pissed me off, something had to go.”
View the shocking footage:
Local Police Officer Armbrust’s Visit to Epstein Island Uncovered in Photo
In a shocking leak to the media, local police officer Christopher Armbrust’s visit to Epstein Island has been confirmed. After years of denial, the photo evidence has verified and deemed irrefutable by investigators. Still, Armbrust tried to deny the significance of the photo.
“I was there for lunch. It was a private event for Zaddy (Armbrust’s prefered moniker for President Donald Trump). We were just there fundraising for his PAC. Nothing more.”
When pressed further for details of the encounter, Armbrust remarked: “The halibut was unbelievable. Waitresses seemed young, though,” he added, with a hundred yard stare past reporters.
Given the current state of affairs in the country, local pundits and political experts seem to believe this can only help his cause if he was to switch into politics. Somehow.
Love is Love: Old Gaelic Kicks off Pride Month with Dave and Broc’s Big Gay Wedding
CHAMBERSBURG, PA — In a stunning display of tolerance from a Central PA-based rugby team, Old Gaelic Rugby filled the ceremony for the nuptials of Broc Shives and David “YoSon” Young. It was a beautiful June day to perfectly celebrate their love during Pride Month.
Though supportive, many in the crowd were surprised by the outing coming from within a team of hypermasculine men, and also backs.
“When my client came to me to ask to pre-emptively sue in case anyone of a same sex gender kissed in front of him in his neighborhood, I was confused,” stated Young’s attorney Joshua Aybar. “But not as confused as he seemed to be. I’m just glad he figured it out and found happiness.”
The feeling of surprise was not shared by all.
“I always knew Broc was queer,” said local Gaelic by way of Turtleheads, Alex Bowie.
Club President Alex Diegel reflected on the club’s history of tolerance and openness.
“When I got my hands on the original bylaws, and read #2, that ‘In the case of a self-confessed homo, Rule 1 (the right to vote in Officers’ elections), doesn’t count, but they can be on the field crew or social committee,’ I knew I’d landed with the right club. What surprising foresight to allow gays to clean up our trash and plan our parties. I’m proud to be Gae.”
We wish the handsome couple happiness and joy in their future together.
Super Ayroyo Brothers Set to Lead Old Gaelic into the Future
Citing the recent success of the newest “Mario Galaxy” movie, Old Gaelic has decided to turn to the future with a full rebrand.
“Look, it’s the hottest movie franchise out there right now,” explained Club President Alex Diegel. “It’s grossed over a billion dollars worldwide. I’ve never been the best at math, but that settles in at one thousand millions. If we can scape up just one of those millions, this is a complete success.”
With a need to follow the look of its gritty young hooker Josh Aybar, and dynamic young wing, Gabe Arroyo, Old Gaelic will undergo a complete rebrand. This summer, the team will compete in denim overalls and red or green tops for home and away kits, and all players are now required to grow dark, luxurious, plumber-grade mustaches. A petition to World Rugby is underway to allow them to play in matching ballcaps.
Brian Hart’s “School for Old Ruggers Who Want to Play Rugby Good and Learn to Do Other Things Good, Too” Open for Atlantic Cup Enrollment
MECHANICSBURG, PA — Citing an urgent need for aging ruggers to sharpen their rugby skills, OGREs Captain Brian Hart has opened up his academy for “Old Ruggers Who Want to Play Rugby Good and Learn to Do Other things Good, Too.” This training is essential for regaining the Atlantic World Cup title that has eluded the team for an unprecedented two years.
“We were upset in the Finals last year,” Hart explained. “And it was pretty clear that, in spite of our advanced ages, we were missing some basic foundational and rugby IQ standards that had been our hallmark in years past.”
The 35 and over rugby tournament will be played at the Hudson Fields in Lewes, De. on August 15.
Aging ruggers are encouraged to come to 7s trainings and shit on local 25-year-olds on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, 6:30-8:30 to get their legs under them. An age-appropriate training format will be announced at a future date.
Stay tuned for more details.
West Virginia Man Deserves Award for Not Beating the Shit out of Anyone at Local Walmart
HEDGESVILLE, WV—Local resident Paul A. Holmes, 39, was widely praised Tuesday after successfully completing an entire Walmart shopping trip without physically assaulting a single customer, employee, or unattended self-checkout machine.
Witnesses reported that Holmes maintained remarkable composure despite encountering a shopping cart abandoned sideways in a main aisle, a family of six blocking the frozen foods section, a 40-minute wait in a six-person checkout line, and a man loudly conducting a FaceTime call on speakerphone near the pharmacy.
“I saw him clench his jaw a couple times,” said shopper Denise Fowler. “But then he just kept walking. That’s the kind of restraint you don’t see anymore. Not in Beckley. Not in this Walmart.”
According to sources, Holmes’ also endured a 17-minute behind a single customer attempting to pay for his groceries with a coffee can full of loose change. Despite the ordeal, he reportedly limited his response to a deep sigh and a thousand-yard stare.
In recognition of his achievement, local officials announced plans to present Holmes with the city’s highest civilian honor, tentatively titled the Order of Basic Self-Control.
At press time, Holmes was being considered for a second award after leaving the Walmart parking lot and returning home without engaging in a road-rage incident.
Help Hunter and Schleg Afford Black Rugby Shorts
WEST SHORE, PA — Young Old Gaelic ruggers Alex Schlager and Hunter Hertzog are turning to the community to support them in these trying times. Despite many valiant efforts, the pair of West Shore alumni have yet show to a single match wearing the correct colored shorts. Below is the copy from their gofundme:
We’re going through really tough times and only have white shorts to wear. We may even be doing this to draw attention to our sadness, but still, no one’s given. We hate how exposed we feel, and the obvious desperation we exude to get noticed. Help us get black rugby shorts so we can look good and stand out during games for the right reasons. Please. Anything helps.
Thank you to all who have already given so generously:
Classifieds:
Wanted: Bike Helmet for tree-cutting safety. Call Diegel Wanted: “My damned medal for my award. Where is it?” Call Paul. Wanted: A new clipboard. Call Sykes. (Thanks, Paul).
CHAMBERSBURG, PA — In a stunning display of tolerance from a Central PA-based rugby team, Old Gaelic Rugby filled the ceremony for the nuptials of Broc Shives and David “YoSon” Young. It was a beautiful June day to perfectly celebrate their love during Pride Month.
Though supportive, many in the crowd were surprised by the outing coming from within a team of hypermasculine men, and also backs.
“When my client came to me to ask to pre-emptively sue in case anyone of a same sex gender kissed in front of him in his neighborhood, I grew suspicious,” stated Young’s attorney Joshua Aybar. “But I’m just glad he found happiness.”
The feeling of surprise was not shared by all.
“I always knew Broc was queer,” said local Gaelic by way of Turtleheads, Alex Bowie.
Club President Alex Diegel reflected on the club’s history of tolerance and openness.
“When I got my hands on the original bylaws, and read #2, that ‘In the case of a self-confessed homo, Rule 1 (the right to vote in Officers’ elections), doesn’t count, but they can be on the field crew or social committee,’ I knew I’d landed with the right club. What surprising foresight to allow gays to clean up our trash and plan our parties. I’m proud to be Gae.”
We wish the handsome couple happiness and joy in their future together.
Old Gaelic Rugby 