In a scandal so grievous Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers couldn’t defend it… a move so cold-blooded it made Tywin Lannister blush… an act more heinous than a Russ Kane CrapChat after a second helping of sauerkraut…

The beloved Hoops World Cup was covered in controversy as a late roster change sparked the *winning team to victory.

“I was simply doing my due diligence, confirming with Cappy that trophy engravings were indeed within the realms of this year’s Hoops Budget when two pieces of indisputable evidence came across my desk… the *Championship photo simply did not match up with the official roster that was posted earlier in the day,” explained club President Alex Diegel. “Clearly there was some sort of malfeasance afoot.”

“This goes past gamesmanship, and into completely new territory,” said Tournament Director Curtis Brillhart. “The damage to The Shield won’t soon be forgotten. We’re clearly going to need to look into some refreshed registration standards. I’ll look into what USA Rugby does for rosters and… ya know. Not do that.”

“I just wanted to play with my brother,” proclaimed an undeterred Jude Olivetti.

“Curtis woke me up at 3 p.m.(!) and I was there at 3:28 and I’m fat and old and I didn’t ask for a sub,” ranted Danny “The Ambassador” Reisman.

“Dinner was great,” chimed in Departed Teammate Ben Sykes, source of the controversy.

“Eat shit, Diegel,” added Russ Kane.

One thing that can’t be disputed is the self-proclaimed World’s Great Hoopster/World’s Fastest Gaelic/World’s Most Humble Gaelic Alex Schaefer didn’t come close to winning. Like at all. Suck it, Schaefer.