Love is Love: Old Gaelic Kicks off Pride Month with Dave and Broc’s Big Gay Wedding

CHAMBERSBURG, PA — In a stunning display of tolerance from a Central PA-based rugby team, Old Gaelic Rugby filled the ceremony for the nuptials of Broc Shives and David “YoSon” Young. It was a beautiful June day to perfectly celebrate their love during Pride Month.

Though supportive, many in the crowd were surprised by the outing coming from within a team of hypermasculine men, and also backs.

“When my client came to me to ask to pre-emptively sue in case anyone of a same sex gender kissed in front of him in his neighborhood, I was confused,” stated Young’s attorney Joshua Aybar. “But not as confused as he seemed to be. I’m just glad he figured it out and found happiness.”

The feeling of surprise was not shared by all.

“I always knew Broc was queer,” said local Gaelic by way of Turtleheads, Alex Bowie.

Club President Alex Diegel reflected on the club’s history of tolerance and openness.

“When I got my hands on the original bylaws, and read #2, that ‘In the case of a self-confessed homo, Rule 1 (the right to vote in Officers’ elections), doesn’t count, but they can be on the field crew or social committee,’ I knew I’d landed with the right club. What surprising foresight to allow gays to clean up our trash and plan our parties. I’m proud to be Gae.”

We wish the handsome couple happiness and joy in their future together.

Super Ayroyo Brothers Set to Lead Old Gaelic into the Future

Citing the recent success of the newest “Mario Galaxy” movie, Old Gaelic has decided to turn to the future with a full rebrand.

“Look, it’s the hottest movie franchise out there right now,” explained Club President Alex Diegel. “It’s grossed over a billion dollars worldwide. I’ve never been the best at math, but that settles in at one thousand millions. If we can scape up just one of those millions, this is a complete success.”

With a need to follow the look of its gritty young hooker Josh Aybar, and dynamic young wing, Gabe Arroyo, Old Gaelic will undergo a complete rebrand. This summer, the team will compete in denim overalls and red or green tops for home and away kits, and all players are now required to grow dark, luxurious, plumber-grade mustaches. A petition to World Rugby is underway to allow them to play in matching ballcaps.

Brian Hart’s “School for Old Ruggers Who Want to Play Rugby Good and Learn to Do Other Things Good, Too” Open for Atlantic Cup Enrollment

MECHANICSBURG, PA — Citing an urgent need for aging ruggers to sharpen their rugby skills, OGREs Captain Brian Hart has opened up his academy for “Old Ruggers Who Want to Play Rugby Good and Learn to Do Other things Good, Too.” This training is essential for regaining the Atlantic World Cup title that has eluded the team for an unprecedented two years.

“We were upset in the Finals last year,” Hart explained. “And it was pretty clear that, in spite of our advanced ages, we were missing some basic foundational and rugby IQ standards that had been our hallmark in years past.”

The 35 and over rugby tournament will be played at the Hudson Fields in Lewes, De. on August 15.

Aging ruggers are encouraged to come to 7s trainings and shit on local 25-year-olds on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, 6:30-8:30 to get their legs under them. An age-appropriate training format will be announced at a future date.

Stay tuned for more details.

West Virginia Man Deserves Award for Not Beating the Shit out of Anyone at Local Walmart

HEDGESVILLE, WV—Local resident Paul A. Holmes, 39, was widely praised Tuesday after successfully completing an entire Walmart shopping trip without physically assaulting a single customer, employee, or unattended self-checkout machine.

Witnesses reported that Holmes maintained remarkable composure despite encountering a shopping cart abandoned sideways in a main aisle, a family of six blocking the frozen foods section, a 40-minute wait in a six-person checkout line, and a man loudly conducting a FaceTime call on speakerphone near the pharmacy.

“I saw him clench his jaw a couple times,” said shopper Denise Fowler. “But then he just kept walking. That’s the kind of restraint you don’t see anymore. Not in Beckley. Not in this Walmart.”

According to sources, Holmes’ also endured a 17-minute behind a single customer attempting to pay for his groceries with a coffee can full of loose change. Despite the ordeal, he reportedly limited his response to a deep sigh and a thousand-yard stare.

In recognition of his achievement, local officials announced plans to present Holmes with the city’s highest civilian honor, tentatively titled the Order of Basic Self-Control.

At press time, Holmes was being considered for a second award after leaving the Walmart parking lot and returning home without engaging in a road-rage incident.

Help Hunter and Schleg Afford Black Rugby Shorts

WEST SHORE, PA — Young Old Gaelic ruggers Alex Schlager and Hunter Hertzog are turning to the community to support them in these trying times. Despite many valiant efforts, the pair of West Shore alumni have yet show to a single match wearing the correct colored shorts. Below is the copy from their gofundme:

We’re going through really tough times and only have white shorts to wear. We may even be doing this to draw attention to our sadness, but still, no one’s given. We hate how exposed we feel, and the obvious desperation we exude to get noticed. Help us get black rugby shorts so we can look good and stand out during games for the right reasons. Please. Anything helps.

Thank you to all who have already given so generously:

Classifieds:

Wanted: Bike Helmet for tree-cutting safety. Call Diegel
Wanted: “My damned medal for my award. Where is it?” Call Paul.
Wanted: A new clipboard. Call Sykes. (Thanks, Paul).